Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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