I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You smell like stripper and shame
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
