I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
