Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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