I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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