Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
nutella sex= disaster
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
