i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
