Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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