I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
