im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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