before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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