Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
