i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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