youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
