dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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