I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
