you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
