If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
