my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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