you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
