oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
