she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
