I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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