UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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