so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't deserve a penis
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
