1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
