I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
