Having a random hookup so left but love u
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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