Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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