That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
