i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
