So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
