I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
