I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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