Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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