she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
