thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
