3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
