my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
