Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
