I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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