I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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