Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
