woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
