My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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