i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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