final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
