why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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