i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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