Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
