he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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