DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
