I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
