Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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