when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
