Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
