I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
