WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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