He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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