Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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