I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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