I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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