I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize