my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
