Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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