Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
