I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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