Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
