I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
