almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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