Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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