why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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